Why you shouldn't sniff Iroh's stuff
by Seriously Yours
Summary: Sick of romance? Tired of fluff? Then you should read 'bout Sniffing Iroh's stuff.


I do not own Avatar. It belongs to Nickelodeon and Nickelodeon alone. I do not own the song 'We Are All On Drugs' and forgive me for using it. I do not earn any money from this story nor will I pay up if I'm sued. However, I do own this story as it is my creation.

**Thank you to all the reviewers of my other fics (Top Ten WTF moments, Top Ten Hey That's not Fair Moments. Etc.) You guys totally rock! Thank you sooo much. **

**This one's for you.**

**Enjoy.**

**Why you shouldn't sniff Iroh's stuff.**

"Uncle…" Zuko was uncharastically hesitant. "Are you feeling alright?"

Iroh turned eyes with unnaturally widened pupils in his nephew's direction.

"OhyesPrinceZukoIfeelAmazing!" Iroh gushed waving his arms and spinning on the spot to prove his point.

Zuko's lip curled by reflex, however he forced his disgust and irritation down. T_his was weird even for Iroh. _

Gritting his teeth the banished prince reminded himself that his uncle had stood by his side while the entire nation turned their back on him.

"Uncle if you're bothered by something, I will be available to…er… discuss and analyse what ever that is causing you distress." Even as the words left his lips, Zuko realized how cold and wooden they sounded. He had never been one to discuss _feelings._

Suddenly the helmsman ran up to Zuko and bowed, "Sir we're heading straight for a giant plot-hole, the captain asks permission to change course."

"Change it dammit! I'm not letting Zutara sink."

"Oooh" smiled Iroh, clapping in joy "you finally named your ship. Zutara… what a beautiful name. Which book did you take it from Zuko?"

"Er… it just popped in to my mind one day." Zuko replied glumly. "But that's not the point…"

"What _is_ the point Zuko?" His uncle interrupted. "Why is the sky blue? Why are all the animals in our world cross-bred mutants? Where did the Avatar get such cool tattoos? It never ends Zuko… it never ends." Iroh shook his head sadly.

"Urrrg" Zuko decided that he had _enough_ of bonding with his uncle. Nevertheless, he was no closer to figuring out the puzzle that was so vexing him: - Iroh's new found insanity.

His uncle had always been an eccentric man prone to fits of lunacy. But lately he seemed to have undergone a complete personality change. He no longer played Pai-Sho, the game he so loved, he did not participate in music nights nor did he engage in purchasing whole markets at every port. He even spent long amounts of time shut up in his room, supposedly "_meditating_". Zuko would have been able to convince himself that these were just signs of his uncle _finally _acting like an adult if not for one single thing.

_Iroh no longer drank Ginseng tea._

When asked why he shunned his favourite beverage, Iroh had mumbled vaguely about something diluting another something. Nevertheless, his answer had only concentrated Zuko's suspicions.

Contrary to popular belief, Price Zuko was not a fool. (Seriously, he wasn't) he was a warrior Analytical, Logical and Precise. If his memory served him well, Zuko could pinpoint an exact day everything changed.

It all began the week they anchored near the charming town of Furia; Iroh had immediately set off to find things he did not want until he saw them, efficiently empting Zuko's vault. He had come back, no, **snuck** back, hiding something under his robe.

Then all the madness had started.

Zuko vowed he'd get to the bottom of this.

Next morning He crept into his uncle's room just after Iroh had left for breakfast. Zuko felt guilty and ashamed that he was going through Iroh's personal belongings, but he reminded himself that he was doing this for his uncle. It was invasion of privacy for the better good.

Zuko immediately went through the objects Iroh had kept at the back of his room. It had things like Sungi horns, Pai-Sho games, propaganda fliers, brooms, books of all kinds and _underwear?_

Zuko reached into his pocket and put on his gauntlets. God forbid if he was going to touch his uncle's under pants with bare hands. On close inspection, the Prince saw little patches of white on the fabric. Zuko could even feel something hard, wrapped tightly by the underwear.

Zuko carefully unravelled the underpants and took out the object. It was a snuffbox. Zuko carefully opened it, not sure, what kind of _things _his Uncle kept wrapped in his underwear.

The snuffbox opened and inside was the same kind of powder that was on the outside of the underwear.

_It must be some kind of powder to cover the overwhelming smell, which comes out of Iroh's sandals whenever he takes them off._ Zuko sniggered to himself as he thought about this. Nevertheless, he peeked into the box and took a sniff. He took a larger sniff than he intended to and he coughed as the white powder went up his nose and into his system.

Immediately his eyes glazed over and a feeling of light-headedness came over him. Automatically he started placing the things he had disturbed in his search, exactly as they were before. He had a sudden urge to throw up so he quickly left his Uncle's room and threw up right outside.

Zuko's vision was becoming hazy so he turned his eyes towards the open seaHe only saw a flat horizon of never-ending blue. He looked away and started to walk towards the dining chamber unsteadily with his head held high, trying desperately to keep the sick at bay. The moment he opened the door to the dining room, he stepped back with a cry of fear.

"Zuko what's the matter?" Iroh asked concerned.

"I'm sorry father, he always escapes me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Zuko cried sinking to the floor.

"Zuko your father isn't here!" Iroh shouted picking up Zuko.

"Please don't kill me father, don't…please…don't…I didn't mean it…forgive me father!" Zuko wailed staring at the ceiling.

"Let's eat some noodles; you look like you need some food"

"Don't poison me, father!" Zuko cried and with amazing strength pulled away from Iroh and ran towards the edge of the boat. Once there he gave one last look at his uncle and said, "I'm sorry that I failed you father, but I won't let you kill me".

With that, the Prince of the Fire Nation jumped overboard and started to swim towards an undisclosed location.

All Iroh and the guards could do, was stare at the receding Prince.

"Zuko your father isn't here…" Iroh muttered to no one in particular.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Zuko stopped swimming the moment he felt sand. He looked up and saw a beautiful tropical island in front of his eyes. He warmed his clothes and walked in a random direction still clearly disturbed by the vision of his father.

After walking through a thick forest of palm trees, Zuko came upon the three people, he had been chasing for weeks.

He slowly walked towards them not making a sound.

The Avatar was playing with a lemur, the girl was humming a tune with her eyes closed and the water tribe boy was eating as if he hadn't eaten for days. Suddenly the lemur jumped out of the Avatar's hands and started to run towards in Zuko's direction. Just as it saw Zuko though, it stopped in mid leap. The boy with the tattoos looked up and took in a large breath, which startled the girl and grabbed the attention of the eating boy.

"Don't come any closer fire bender!" the blue clad boy shouted.

"Why are you running from me?" Zuko implored spreading out his hands in a friendly gesture.

"Because you're a ruthless beast who wants to capture Aang." Katara shot out.

"Who told you that?" Zuko flashed her, a charming smile and for one brief moment, Katara stared at him dreamily; then reality zapped her.

"I just wanted to talk to you," Zuko was saying to Aang. "I wanted to ask you…um… do I…I mean…do you think…" he stuttered in embarrassment.

"Yes?" prompted Aang gently.

"Does this make my butt look big?" Zuko burst out while striking a pose in his armour.

"I…I don't know." Aang backed away from his unstable enemy.

Zuko's lower lip trembled "You're telling me that you're not Avatar the master of high fashion?

"No! I'm just Avatar: master of the four elements." Aang hung his head in shame.

"This is so heart warming and all, but it's getting dark and I'm hungry. Since he doesn't seem dangerous… Sokka jerked a thumb in Zuko's direction, "I say let's make camp here."

After a meal taken in silence, Aang ventured a question curious as to why Zuko had suddenly changed from the rabid, psycho, bastard from hell to whatever in hell he was now.

**So the story began…**

"My father is going through a mid life fashion crisis he's sending every able bodied man out to the other nations to find him the perfect gear. That's why I need your help Avatar, I need you to put a spin on my father's wardrobe."

"If I bring him a stunner outfit he'll restore my honour and I'll be his favourite son again."

In his drugged haze, Zuko had cleverly moulded logic in to bullshit.

"Er…" Aang stared pleadingly at Katara who was at a total loss as what to do. Its not every day that, you encounter deranged lunatics.

'This guy is nuts.' Sokka thought, slowly reaching for his boomerang.

As Aang just sat there staring at him in fear, Zuko narrowed his eyes in irritation.

"Fine, Avatar! If you won't help me dress up father, I'll just have to get him a cool accessory. So can I please have my necklace back?" Zuko held out his palm at Katara expectantly.

"Your necklace? _Your_ necklace? You rotten thief, it was my mother's, now its mine." Katara hissed through clenched teeth.

"Be that as it may…" Zuko shrugged carelessly, "it'll look prettier on _Ozai_"

"Shut your damn air hole" Katara bellowed her fists curled.

"Which one?" inquired Zuko politely.

"Ha ha ha" Aang was on all fours thumping his fist on the ground; even Sokka had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. _Maybe Zuko wasn't so bad after all._

"SHUT UP!" Katara screamed. "You" she cried pointing at Zuko. "Get out of my sight. Go away."

"Go away where?"

"Faraway, go practice sneering or something."

"You know' Zuko began conversationally, "You won't be this uptight if you kissed a guy."

"Hey that was _my _line and for your information I _have_ kissed a guy."

"Oh yeah?" Zuko challenged raising an eyebrow his _only _eyebrow.

"You have?" scowled Sokka threateningly.

"Waaaah!" wailed Aang water bending a load of tears.

"Yes he was…he was tall, strong and er…_noble_"

"Oh so it wasn't Jet" Aang sighed in relief.

"Wait a minute." Sokka furrowed his brow. "We've only met four boys and two of them are sitting right here. Jet's not noble. You've kissed Aang only on the cheek and he's not tall (Hey! Aang cried. Sorry shorty! Sokka grinned.) If you kissed Zuko, you'd have

Third-degree burns by now so that just leaves Haru."

"Nope!" Katara smiled mysteriously.

Sokka thought for a minute and then said "Er Katara, you know that dad doesn't count right?"

"Oh Damn!"

"That highlights my original point." Zuko smirked. "if ……" tired out with his hyperactivity he rolled over and abruptly fell asleep.

"Actually… Katara mused looking at him. "From a certain angle, and in a particular kind of light, Zuko isn't unattractive."

"Yeah the angle is looking the opposite way, and when the light is absent." Sokka scoffed.

"Monk Gyatsu always said beauty is a light switch away." Aang offered philosophically.

"Er why would a monk…? Never mind don't tell, don't wanna know. I'm going to sleep!" Sokka declared.

"Good night Aang" Katara said.

"Night"

**The next morning- **

Sokka sat up and regarded the still sleeping prince to his right. "Psst… Katara what's really up with Zuko?" he whispered.

"He's cracked, gone around the bend realizing he'll never get Aang" Katara replied.

"No, I recognize the signs. He's on pot!" Aang shouted.

"What's pot Aang?" Katara said looking confused.

"It's a type of herb that you sniff in order to (Zuko woke up with a jerk and started to sing) _feel like you're in Heaven!" _Zuko's eyes slid in and out of his focus.

"Looks like it's dangerous, how come_ you _came across it Aang?" Katara asked, immediately suspicious.

"Oh, I found Monk Gyatsu sniffing it once and he seemed extremely happy for that day. So whenever the monks droveme nuts I'd take a sniff and I feel like_ him_," Aang said pointing at Zuko.

"_I, feel like I'm in heaven" _Zuko sang.

"Got any pot Aang? I could use some after Katara gives me her lectures." Sokka seemed very interested by Zuko's behaviour.

'Sorry No. But I wish I had some. This comet business is giving me an ulcer" Aang looked sad.

_Suddenly a plot hole opened above them and three bags of 100 pure cocaine fell, along with an armed Al Queda member. _Aang, Katara, Sokka and Zuko jumped back in surprise but the whirling black hole disappeared quickly. _While the Al Queda member was looking around wildly for an escape route, another plot hole appeared beneath him and he fell down with two bags of cocaine._

Aang quickly reached out, grabbed the remaining bag, and hugged it to his chest. "My precious don't leaves ussss! My lovely… my precious" he crooned, while stroking the sack of cocaine.

"Rii….iiight!" Sokka drawled taking a step away from the obsessed Avatar.

"What?" Aang demanded defensively, "do you know how much these things _cost_ in the U.S. market?"

"No. What _IS_ the U.S. market?" Katara questioned.

"Largest economy in the world." Aang recited.

"How much money will it get us?" Sokka's eyes glinted in the sunlight.

"A hundred grand, if we're lucky."

"What's a _grand?_" Katara asked puzzled.

"A hundred thousand gold pieces" said Aang rolling his eyes.

"Oooohhh" said Katara her eyes shining.

"Wow, let's sell it immediately!" Sokka gushed.

"Sure, looks like our first customer is here already!" Aang said pointing at Zuko, who was swaying on the spot as his brief encounter with pot was slowly concluding.

"C'mon prince Zuko." Urged Sokka, "this will make_ all_ your problems go away."

"I want to buy it!" Zuko shouted, just then his Uncle came bounding out of nowhere and yelled, "I'll double whatever he's giving you!"

"Double my weight in gold and it a deal." Sokka's bargaining instincts fired up.

"I'll double the lemur's weight." Iroh pointed at Momo.

"Make it Appa."

"Done" Zuko shouted over Iroh's protests.

"Idiot !" His uncle hit him over the head." Do you know how much that hunk of flesh weighs?"

"Nine thousand gold pieces" Aang held out a hand and Iroh had no choice but to cough up the money.

Aang, Katara, and Sokka quickly got on their bison and flew away to hire a hit man to kill Ozai and a lawyer to cover it up.

Iroh looked down at his concussed nephew.

"What do you say to a nice drink Zuko?"

"Uh, Sure uncle" Zuko was slowly coming to his senses.

That night the ship named '_Zutara' _had a very entertaining dinner party, with wine mixed with Iroh's cocaine. Music blared and lights flashed as drunken voices drifted out over the ocean:

When you're out with your friends  
In your new Mercedes Benz and you're  
On drugs  
And you show up late for school cuz  
You think your really cool when you're  
On drugs  
And you put on your headphones  
And you step into the zone when you're  
On drugs  
But the world don't care  
If your not really "there" cuz you're  
On drugs

Give it to me  
We are all on drugs yeah  
Never getting enough (Never get enough)  
We are all on drugs yeah  
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)

And you twitch in your seat cuz  
You wanna hit the street when you're  
On drugs  
And you cause such a fuss cuz  
There's no one you can trust when you're  
On drugs  
And the best of your days  
Will all vanish into haze when you're  
On drugs  
And you wish you could quit cuz  
You're really sick of it but you're  
On drugs

Give it to me  
We are all on drugs yeah  
Never getting enough (Never get enough)  
We are all on drugs yeah  
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)

I want to confiscate your drugs  
I don't think I can get enough (Uh)

We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)  
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)  
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)  
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)  
(Wooooh)

By midnight, everyone was either stoned, drugged, unconscious or dead. This was the reason no one saw the approaching iceberg. This was the reason they crashed headfirst in to it. To this day no one knows if Zutara sank or not, or if the dashing (cough) prince lived to find the perfect outfit, all we know is that the culprit was pot and pot alone…oh and cocaine also had a hand in it.

Therefore, kids the lesson you should learn is: - **Say NO to drugs!**

**Hee Hee We're back! So how was it gang? Don't be angry, don't feel insulted. If the symptoms of a drug "high" were wrong, we apologize cuz we have never taken or are willing to take drugs to get first hand experience.**

**If you liked this story plz read our other creations. We had fun writing them and hope they'll rock your day too.**

**The Curse of the Shadow Bender –**Ever wondered who Zuko's mother was? So did we.

**Top Ten "Hey That's Not Fair" Moments of Avatar.** -

**Top Ten WTF Moments of Avatar.**

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